What we're listening to:
AA KURTZ - PROLIFERATION
AA KURTZ - 5792101 BYTES COMPLICATEREMIX
CDR - POOL AT KOGANEI PARK
CDR - RED POSSIBLE
THE BUG vs THE ROOTSMAN featuring HE-MAN - KILLER ( REMIX by ENDUSER )
KID HIDEOUS - Hideous Radio 17 - ZombieRaggaAmen EvilNinjaShit
CARDOPUSHER -TRAVESTIETEN TRANSSEXUELEN
FFF - ROTTERDAM SOUNDBOY
NIELS FRISK - ROTTEN ANNA
PRODIGY - VODOO PEOPLE PEDULUM REMIX
AA KURTZ - BC
ENDUSER - KICK DEM DOWN
ROTATOR - RUPTCH_A_TTAK
ELECTROMECA - PLATNIUM BOLLOX
REPEATER - POOR HEALTH BAD CONSTITUTION
DURAN DURAN DURAN - HAIR METAL
ENDUSER - RETURN OF THE SMACK
DJ SHARPNEL - SPACE INVADERS
DROON - CRIPPLE FIGHT
SIGUE SIGUE SPUTNIK- LOVE MISSILE F1-11 (BONG-RA REMIX)
SHITMAT - SHOPLIFIN GABBA
CHRISTOPH DE BABALON - APPETITE 4 DESTRUCTION
ENTICER - HATE IS A STRONG WORD
LFO DEMON - FREEZE UP
SOMATIC RESPONSES - GO OFF
LFO DEMON - SHE WANNA EXPLODE
VYTEAR - BIG UP UNICORN RAVE
TOECUTTER -POWERBOOKFIEND TOECUTTER REMIX (original by kid 606)
FLASHBULB - MAMA SAID KNOCK YOU OUT
BONG RA - 666 MPH
GIRL TALK - CLEVELAND SHAKE THAT A$$
PARASITE - WE ARE DA FUTURE
PANACEA - CHARTBREAKA
SUBJEX - I'VE DL ALL THE PRESETS
BONG RA - CATHOLIC HIGH SCHOOL GIRLS
Ok this is probably going to be the most fucked up movie review in history. Not only that but I was thinking that I should not even write this in the first place. The reason I was thinking that it should be basically illegal for me to write this is because I was honestly thinking to myself “Holy shit you cannot write that shit. My god you will sound like the most cocky egotistical self centered self obsessed lunatic in history” But then I started thinking about something else. Remember that disgusting movie called Happiness? I mean it was a good movie I guess if you are into that whole `company of men’ `welcome to the dollhouse’ my~god~it ~sucks~to~be human~kill~me~now kind of films. But I mean just gross with the cum and the dog and the wanking and the hey hey hey. Anyways sorry getting on with it. Ok in the film happiness there was this chick.. ahem .. sorry Lady and she was a writer or more like she wanted to be a writer. And she said to herself that she had nothing to write about because nothing bad ever happened to her or something to that effect. Remember she wanted the fat guy from bogie nights whatever his name is. He was in the Big Lebowski and he is in some new movie where he is wearing glasses and standing there like a dork. Remember she actually wanted that guy to like rape her or something so that she would have something to write about? Well don’t get the wrong idea I was never raped by the fat guy from Bogie nights or by a Goth chick with a strap on after I tried to put in roofie her drink or anything like that. But I think some pretty fucked up shit happened to me . It might even be fucked up enough for me to get away with writing this review. Or story based on a review. Or whatever the fuck this is going to be. Well ok here it goes.
As far back as my memory is possible to remember back I was a hardcore perfectionist since the very beginning of when my parents put me into a school system. Absolutely no bullshit I got perfect in everything 10 out of 10 on every assignment. It was gross really. By grade seven instead of binders I had these fancy fuzzy material executive like books with all the pages in those plastic protective sheet things. I got perfect in everything except for this one fucking science teacher names Mr. Cooper who would only give me 9 ½ out of 10 because he said that there is always room for improvement in life. And that nothing can be perfect. I think he died a week after he retired. My sister told me that and then she said “How about that eh? You work your whole life and then you retied and right away you just fall over dead. Man that sucks” Sorry I do not know what this has to do with anything. When there was time to do some kind of class project I would go all out like it would blow your mind. I did giant presentations that had audio and video elements in them on chemical warfare and the Vietnam War. This was a constant thing in my life. Just work work work be the best win win win. Step on the inbreeds and the children of alcoholic blue collar morons and get your way to be a astronaut, a brain surgeon or king of sweet fuck all in giant shiny office of somewhere. This was my fate until things took a sudden change. Now this `get perfect in everything in school’ was going find until I got to high school. Until Westpark high school in St Catharine’s. My fucking brain exploded at around 3 months into that place. The reason that it did is still kind of abstract to me. But I will try and put it together the best that I can. I guess it works like this. I was from a very well off family. But that did not seem to equal any kind of real human happiness that I was aware of. It almost seemed that when you are well off you are not suppose to tell the poor people that having money does not actually make you happy because part of the sick fun of being well off is making the poor people think you are living in the clouds or something. I know this probably sounds like the rantings of a 13 year old idiot. I know I am 30 and this is not all that intellectual and maybe everyone know this already but hey I am yelling about eating light bulbs and shiting on cars over alien gabber from New Zealand. I might be a lot better then a lot of dirt bags who raise a DIY indie-rock IDM breakcore fist as an excuse to be ugly and stupid as a living but hey cut me some slack here ok. Ok so yeah it kind of worked like this. I knew that money was not going to make me happy. Now I was sort of coaxed and instructed I think to hang with a certain small group ok kids.
The kids with money I guess. Maybe I am wrong but West Park seemed to be divided in half. One half was all the kids from Western Hill. They use to make jokes that if there ever was a major drug bust on a street in Western Hill every toilet would flush at the same time on that street and it would sound like a tidal wave. There were all these shity houses with great cars. Man I saw some shit hanging out in Western Hill. I was hanging out in this one house that I think was like a family but not really. It was like six hoodlums, three western hill sluts and I think there were a mother and father of some kind there. The guy looked like a roofer but just quit because he wanted to be a drug dealer. He was plastered and sucked down in an armchair like the logo image for Maxell cassette tapes and one of the young kids goes. “ Hey Dad Mom wants to see you in the bedroom” Then the guy in this deep voice like if you mixed the voice of the huge black guy from Armageddon with Tom Waits OD’ing on muscle relaxants he said with his eyes rolled back “ … What Does she want the dong?” … I remember I was frozen with more amazement then horror.
So yeah half of the High School was the western hill kids and the other half were all the kids from the subdivisions around the lake. Now it seemed to me that all the kids from Western Hill hated all the kids from the subdivisions. I guess because they had money and all their teeth and had real fathers and they did not have to listen to their mom’s being used as colostomy bags for the semen of tradesman in the area all night. But the funny part was it seemed like I was the only one who knew that money did not equal happiness. It felt like I was Andy Dufresne from Shawshank redemption with the rubble from his hole in the wall in his pocket or something like that. This I thought was fucked up. Also I realized that social status seemed so important to everyone and I guess I thought that was fucked as well. So we got the poor kids hating the rich kids and everyone was picking on and beating up everyone else. It was just fucking gross. I remember taking the bus home and the giant electronic fuzzy reality beams of confusion and disarray at how fucking horrible everyone acted in that place would make my head spin. I use to sit in the back of the school bus and I would get noises in my head that sounded like the beginning of that shitty sci-fi film Contact. Remember that “ Buaaaerrrrr” never mind I am not going to try and make the sound with text. Anyways it was just a fucking horrible place. All the people in the smoke hole were talking about nothing. The rich kids and their Far West jackets seemed like there were on some kind of drugs like in that movie THX 1138. Ok I am just being an asshole now. Point is was that I think I was more interested in the whole idea of being a human being more then the idea of trying to `achieve’ anything. I could not listen to teachers because all they were doing was puking out something that was taught to them or reading off something that was given to them. Why? Is it right because it was written by some rich white asshole with a giant oak desk with a $500 US pen?
There were some people who I was suppose to hang out with but I did not want to hang out with them. One of the guys lived in a massive house and I mean massive. It was like a freaking mansion. He had every toy and gadget know to man. He was the most depressed fucking guy I have ever seen. He had everything money could buy and I swear I saw that guy in almost the fetal position with misery and blankness. So my family is well off and no one seems to be that happy there and this guy was hardcore rich and he was just fucking miserable. So I am suppose to go to an institution were half the kids are pissed off and jealous of the other kids. The other kids on the other side of the equation all the `rich’ kids are all working hard so that they can be richer. So what the fuck was I doing at this goddamn place? All of these things all hit me at once and what I needed to do all became clear. All of a sudden I realized something. I realized something that was really out there and may in fact be a much smarter thing for me to do. Rather then do anything that I was suppose to. I would in fact to the opposite. Do the exact opposite of what I was being told to do. To me it made perfect sense in way. Doing something that insane and radical just had to have some kind of positive result I was sure of it. Well I was sort of sure of it. So I did it. I decided what I should do was that instead of going to high school at all I should go and drink alcohol and do drugs everyday and try and hang out with as many rebellious other kids as I could. Thank God I did that. I shit you not. You have no idea what can happen to a human brain that was raised perfectly by the book. And I mean perfectly. My mother is in the Medical Profession and teaches prenatal classes and my Dad graduated top in his class at Queens Commerce.
I think they probably read forty seven books on how to raise the perfect child before they had me. You take a human mind like that and then out of nowhere at the age of fifteen you put it on drugs everyday and make it get close and interact with every moron, homie, wigger, hippie, smashingToolJamGardenSound'er , pot head, headbanger, punk, wanna be punk, sharp ( groan ) handdrummer, Raver, Raiders jacket wearing inbreed small town retard genetic garbage the city has to offer. Well it is something else. I am now realizing that I need to try and steer back to the point of why I am writing this so I will get more on track here. Ok so it was decided. I would do drugs everyday and hang out with freaks. Not just a few freaks all of them. So this here might be the most important part of this story. You see I was never really ever `there’ when I was out every day and night with all these kids. No. I mean I was. But I wasn’t. You see I had a place under the stairs of my parents’ house where I read comic books. It was a semi finished basement so there was drywall all around it. I had large rugs rolled up so that I could sit in a cool laid back position while I read the books. You see I was never really there when I was out for those three years. I was always back under the stairs of my parents basement. I know that being a freak and hanging out with all these kids was a smart idea. I just knew that it would `do something’ to me. But I never felt like I was being sucked into their world because I could always go back under the stairs if I wanted to. It was like even though there is a group of wiggers and thugs in front of you and they are passing around the weed. And some poor girl is getting AIDS upstairs and someone just beat the shit out a guy and the cops are coming. Well it’s not like really happening. I mean I was not stupid this was St Catharine’s it was not Toronto or New York or whatever. I knew who the real bad ass people were.
Who the REAL criminals were I knew the people I was hanging out with were just wannabes and once in a while maybe someone who had a real reputation would come around. But I knew that they were not that dangerous because if they were they would not be hanging around the retards that I was with at the time. So I knew I was not putting myself in any real danger. However I never considered anything that was going on to be my real social atmosphere. It was like a movie that I wanted to watch. Only it was three years long and instead of x-ray glasses to watch it you had to just smoke weed and do acid. So in my head there was always the road through the back of my eyes that lead back down Martindale road into my house and down the stairs into my small little fort under the stairs where I could read X-Mean. X-Factor, Punisher, The New Mutants, Daredevil, Hellblazer... whatever I wanted. And I could easily get rid of this world of people going nowhere and self destructiveness. I was not making myself die a slow death by listening to those fucking teachers and making each other feel like shit at some high school. But I was not diving into this world of criminal activity and vice addiction and apathy. I was somewhere in the middle and just behind my eyes was a path in the woods that lead to my secret. My secret was that I had a place where I was safe and understood. The cabin in the woods, my place under the stairs. You see it was all like a movie. And holy shit what a movie. I am absolutely not fucking shitting you. I got high as fuck all day and all night and tried to hang with as many freaks as I could and get into as much trouble as I could everyday. I saw a lot of shit man. I was shot at by the police. Had guns pointed at me by the cops. Saw this retard steal pop and lobster tails from his aunt’s sea food restaurant for some reason. My god. I was on a couch with two other guys and we all had dosed the same amount of acid and we were at a house party and some really short biker guy jumped up on a table ripped off his shirt and started making his tattoos talk in the voice of Bobby from bobby’s world. We were all laughing so hard at one point we were banging our heads together and we started to gag and spit bile from laughing for over an hour straight. I wonder what Steven Bowen was doing that night. I was put in a holding cell once at St Catharine’s Police department and there was this fucking guy in there who was just smashed out of his tree or high as fuck and he kept going “ I WANNNANAAAAAA GOOOOOOO HOMMMMMEEEEEE NOWWWWWWW” and then banging the bars three times “ BOOM BOOM BOOM” Or kicking them or whatever. And he did that all night. I mean all night for like eight hours in a row. “ I IIIII WAANNNNAAAAA GOOOOOOO HOMMMEEEEE NOWWWWWWW” … “ BOOM BOOM BOOM” Me and they other guys could seriously not believe it when he got to the 3 hour mark. All the people in the cells that night were all like “ WILLLLLLLLL YOUUUUUUU SHHHHHUTTTTTTTT UPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP” What are some other highlights. Anyways I can talk amore bout that later.
Ok so as I was seeing all this shit I still never really felt like I was `there’. I always new I could walk down Martindale road. Through the woods and get back to my cabin of safety or something. Now this got kind of intense when I was sent to jail. I was in Thorld Detention center for 6 months. Now when I was in there it was kind of crazy I guess because I know that when I got out of that place that I would no longer want to hang out with `bad people’ anymore. Holy shit. How did I forget to mention one of the most important things? During these three years of rebellion I was listening to hip-hop on my headphones. High as fucking pumping EPMD business never personal, Das-Efx Dead Serious, Straight Up Sewaside, Naughty by Nature’s first and second album, Nas Illmatic, Fu-snickens, Ice-Cube, Cypress Hill. The sounds from theses songs mixed with the drugs in my system mixed with the imagination, comfort and safety of being `under the stairs’ the whole time in secret created this awesome world. Ok so let’s get realistic and back to earth here. Ok three years of listening to hip-hop high as fuck being out with the thugs, freaks and druggies but never actually really `being there’. Knowing I could go though the woods behind my eyes deep into myself where the place under the stairs was. And then BOOM…. INCARSERATION. Now when I was sent to jail I knew that it was over. I knew that I would do a little time and then when I got out that I would be done completely with hanging out with freaks stage. So there I was in jail. Now the whole time I was in jail I still felt like I could go down that road to my place under the stairs. But this is when the place grew. I actually tried to make that place real in my head when I was there. Now remember I was under eighteen and this was Thorld Detention center. This was the old sections that use to be for women until I guess that area got a separate prison for women. These were all skids from Niagara Region mostly who would not really hurt a fly. I punched one guy in the face there and it had a few fights. But come on this was no fucking West Detention. We had a rec guy. Carpets, snack time. It was like day care for young rejects of society. So anyways the whole six months I was in jail I would think about that place under the stairs, In fact I would make it real in my mind.
When I was alone in my cell I would think really hard and I could make the cell that place under the stairs. I could not really make that place under the stairs when I was outside of the room that I was by myself in. I would have to then keep that place inside my head. However when I was alone I could make the place real. Like I walked down Martidale road though the back of my eyes and got into my cabin and then made the place manifest all around me. Now this is were it gets interesting. I caused a lot of shit at this place (don’t ask I will tell you later) and several times I was put in solitary confinement. This was in a cell that just had one bunk that was two feet off the floor. And that was it. I would have to be in there for seven days in a row and I was only let out for half an hour a day for exercise. Now I think I had to go in the `hole’ four times when I was there. Now let me move slowly on this and try not to bullshit you or myself. Ok this is what happened. Now when I was in this room it sort of started out the same way that it did when I was in my regular cell. Meaning that I allowed my imagination to paint the walls all around me so that it felt like I was back home under the stairs reading comic books. But after being in the hole. Well it got more intense. I felt like I was walking down Martindale road in through the front of my head. And I was traveling to this place under the stairs down into my chest. I would close my eyes and I could feel it. Then once I had fully traveled to this place that was inside me everything was still. I could feel the energy of being alive. I could feel actual emotional energy surging in me. Everything around me went red.
It was like I was walking down a spiral staircase that was inside me. The deeper I walked the closer I got to that place that was just for me. After about five days of this I knew that I had traveled within myself to a level that did not involve the human body. That it was a place of pure human emotion and some kind of electrical energy of some kind. I always knew that this was a real thing. That this really did happen. Once I got so deep when I would keep myself in that place when I would look around the cell I could feel my hands and arms buzzing with energy. Kind of like if you have ever plugged in a three prong electrical plug and you accidentally left your thumb on the lower prong but only a fragment of the percent of the shock. My whole body felt like that when I would open my eyes and look around the room after I had pulled myself out of that place in me. I would sometimes think to myself how fucking amazing is it going to be to live the rest of my life knowing that this place was inside me. And then I started thinking that this place is in everyone but only a few are aware of it. I never would accept that this was just `crazy’ I will never accept that this is what it was. So anyways after I got out of jail I knew that I would be carrying around this place inside me for the rest of my life. But I knew I would never be able to tell anyone about it really. I had girlfriends for months and I never told them about this place. I knew I wanted to be a rapper who rapped to alternative style rap music so as soon as I got out of jail I started out on that journey. I lived downtown St Catharine’s and hung out with some music people. Some downtown people who were into music, making music or trying to make music.
But I knew I was a super freak from the `flipside of all that is messed up in good way’. I needed to get to Toronto. I knew that even thought its lame old Canada that that City was big enough that I could pull off some kind of `want to be a Emcee rapper who bust rhymes about being in the secret place deep though the woods of my eyes over techno futuristic drum and bass wacked out dream thing’ I knew there was no on in St Catharine’s even in the downtown little community of the 25 people who make or are trying to make music for a living could handle the levels of reality I fucked and fucked until I saw the red blinding light of atomic human energy boil in my core until I saw fire. That was either just good writing or horse shit I don’t know. So I still carried around that place inside me. That journey though the woods into the cabin. I brought it with me up to Toronto and inside me it stayed. Once I got all my shit together and got a place to start. I started up Altered Beats and I would try and relax. I knew that what I wanted to do would be pretty hard and that no one had ever really done anything like it before. I knew it would not be easy. But the fire in me would never leave me alone. It burned inside. The memory of being in that cell and feeling human energy build and build until I was fully aware of everything that was going on all around me. When reality spins and burns out of control and human eyes wander though the multiple doors of space and time. A rip in the very fabric of this all. I decided to say fuck reading and writing. Screw it. Everyone read and writes. I do not think anyone ever tried to be some kind of electrical alien rapper from the energy field of cave monster doom face or something. So I freestyled everyday and I decided that the two other things I would do to try and keep sane would be to look for movies and music that made me feel like that energy place in solitary confinement. Now I do not regret what I did. I think that everything worked out for me perfect. I know I could have gotten the technical knowledge and music gear and a computer or whatever back then. But I think this is just fine. Because I freestyled like a fucking bastard all those years. I have collected every single piece of music that comes close to the sound I am looking for. I have built a place for me to work I am surrounded by things that make me feel like that place inside me. I have all the music that other people in the world have made that makes me feel like that place inside me. I have done lots of shows. I know the business now. I do not give a shit about anything but just making music. That’s all I have ever wanted. So I think it worked out fine. I knew that doing nothing but freestyle was kind of smart but I needed a little more but I knew if I read that it would most certainly humble me. And If I got humbled then I might not have the guts or insanity to try and pull off this `proteus alien rap god of techno death from the swamp' thing. So my emotional project was to find as much music as I could on this planet that made me feel like someone else knows what that place is like inside. I think it was a smart move because I got tracks that I can now show other producers because I like them for my own music. It gave me something to do. Running all over the city looking for music. Listening to CD’s at Rotate This for 6 hours in a row. And then whole time I never stopped with the insanity of the dream because I never got into reading anything. I mean I am fully set now. If I got a computer right away who knows I could have been fooled by some record company asshole and the whole shit would turn into a joke as opposed to my big dick fortress of sonic boom from the proteus dome piece I got going on now. So I would drink beer and I would collect music and movies that made me feel like my under the stairs energy place. The music that made me feel the most like that crazy place in solitary confinement was music from DJ HIVE. I really liked the album DEVIOUS METHODS. Especially the track `inside the hive’ from that album. As well as the tracks from him `true force’ and `NuPlanet’ from a compilation CD I found called Celestial Squadron. Those three tracks I was convinced that Hive knew what I knew. That there is a red hot glowing energy in us all and that the whole damn planet is blind to the fact that we are destroying everything and that the end is near and its time to riot in the fucking streets and have some fun before this earth is destroyed.. Or something like that. I decided that if I obsessed with HIVE that everyone would know that was the sound I needed or something. But whatever it’s all good now. I am only 30 I am sure before I die someone will make me tracks that sound like those Hive tracks I dig. I do not think I will ever produce. I have freestyled and rapped so much to myself my brain is fucked like you would not believe. That’s the only thing I do. This shit here is like the first thing I have written in my whole life. I however think this was brilliant? Why. Well holy fuck how many songs do I have now? I think I got over 130. In what? A year?I have not even begun to try and write some deep shit or whatever. I puked that stuff out like I was making coffee or jerking off. So yeah point is I am a god damn machine now. But I can’t really do anything else. A Professional I guess. Ok So yeah of all the music I collected Those three Hive tracks were perfect. Back when I was drinking every night I was convinced that hive and me and had some kind of super powers or some shit. But that shit is over he is just a guy who has this really cool insular madness and puts it all towards beats as I do with rap. Even if he never makes me a beat who cares. There are lots of talented producers who can hook me up with something similar. Also the Album Mr Brubaker’s Strawberry Alarm Clock by Neo-Tropic.
I was obsessed with Riz Maslen and Hive for while because I thought they both `knew’ about this fiery otherworldly inner planet or some shit. Now I know its all psychoacoustics. So finding NeoTropic and Hive was the accomplishment of the musical aspect of my mission to find that place inside me. But I wanted a visual part as well. So I would look for it in films. I knew that I was weird so I looked for it in animation. Mostly Japanese Animation anime. I watched everything hoping I would find something that made me feel like that whole ordeal of my childhood and my searching for inner peace under the stairs of my parents home. I have watched every anime there is and some things came close but the segment Presence from the nine part animated film Robot Carnival was the one that was perfect. I guess I feel like that man. I know that I do not think I could ever have a normal life ever. Not after seeing the worlds created with music. Not after traveling within myself and seeing that giant pit of inner fire after walking down endless flights of stairs down into myself. I know I will always want to live in that place I saw and felt. I know that if I tried to get a big house with some trophy wife and some normal job it would never work I would be forever haunted by what I saw and what I know that is within me. The days would melt away but the place would stay forever in my mind. Making me breath hard for no reason in the dead of the night. I guess I feel like that guy in Presence and that when he walks though the woods that’s me walking down Martindale road to St Georges point. And when he goes into that Cabin that’s me going into the small fort thing under the stairs of my parents home. The girl with the socks is like the Girlfriend I would like to have but I do not think I ever will have because I would need someone who could know what its like to feel like me and be in that place under the stairs. I guess I always knew I could never explain all this to a real person so I have made up an imaginary girlfriend as I have made up an imaginary place. But because what I saw in that cell was real and what I experienced when I had the headphones on was real I do not see why I cannot make this Cabin real and why I can not have a girl like the one with the socks.For awhile I was completely convinced that there was a girl like this who knew everything. But that was just in my head. I think I dreamed up that she understood and knew what I was really talking about and what I saw. But she never really saw I think. I think I liked the way she dressed, looked and the music she was into her attitude and other things. I would think about her and watch presence over and over and over again.I was convinced she was my Robot Girl in real life. And for the life of me I could not figure out why she did not want me. I even tried to write something along the lines of this to her friend explaining how I felt about her but I do not think her friend got it either.
I invited this girl over because I wanted her to watch presence with me and after I gave her a stuffed animal with ribbons in its hair after we watched it. She said that the guy in the Presence was `crazy’ That he was in love with a Robot and that was crazy. I asked her if she understood what the movie meant to me and she nodded her head just before she rode away on her bike. But I now know that she did not really get it. I just dreamed up that she did. It was not real. Her understanding me was not really real. I just liked everything about her and then projected this and convinced myself that she understood the depths of my feelings and understood the way I look at life. Just like I like Hive and Neoptropic’s music but back then when I was getting plastered every night I convinced myself that they were aware of a great secret that I thought only I was aware of. I am so mad at this girl and I have erased her from my life forever. I cannot believe that she let me go though so much self torture when she never really ever cared that much. Certain actions she did later convinced me of this. I will never let myself start to paint those kind of pictures in and around her ever again. One of the reasons I am writing this out is because I think there might be a chance that I might still have my Presence girl. I am writing this because I want her to read it because the other night I wanted to tell her all this and I realized that there is no way to just blurt something like this out. So I decided to write this. The whole Hive solitary confinement inner Akira style human explosion the apocalypse is now and NeoTropic stuff was good for me to get out as well. So after watching all that anime I found the perfect film and piece of art that’s helps me piece together all the events that lead me to living in a big city rapping to experimental electronic music. The walk though the woods is the walk though my head down into the cabin that is my place under the stairs at my parents home where I read my comic books. I guess that all these things make me feel like I could never have a real girlfriend.
Only one in my imagination I would have to build. I guess I never married or conformed or did anything outside of my world so I do not need to shut her down with a wrench if I am ever lucky enough to get her. I use to tell Marrie that I would be that old man in that rocking chair holding a little Marrie doll when I am old. But now that I am not hammered every night and I got my shit together I know that I just imagined that she was my robot girl. Just as I imagined that Hive and Riz were aware of what I have seen. They just made music and I made the rest up in my head. Just like Marrie was there and I just made up that she knew what the journey was like into my head and through the woods and into my cabin. She will never go there and I never want her there. I am angry that I deluded myself for so long.
So maybe I may never find my Robot Girl in real life but I will always have the one in my head. And I will always have the movie presence. I will make music and more music and build the walls of my cabin and place under the stairs bigger and bigger making it a reality . I will also keep looking for music that makes me feel like they know that firey red pit of twisted emotion I felt within me when I was in solitary confinement in jail. When I hear that first hard heavy bassline in the track `inside the hive’ I remember that place of human power and fantastic energy. When I hear the part in the pendulum remix of Voodoo people when The beat kicks in and its so insanely heavy that instead of just banging your head going “ Oh fuck that’s wikked” or doing that breakcore arm stab thing you literally throw your whole arm forward like you are throwing a baseball and almost knock yourself over and fly though the floor I will think they know that energy place. In FFF tracks that make you envision tiny little cyborg scorpions with tiny laser and drills having a rave inside your head I will think of that place. In the Electromeca track Platinum Bollox when it breaks down hard and you get so into that you make a face like someone is pulling your skin backwards and you are almost disturbed by how good this feels to bang your head to this I will think of that place I saw. In the AA Kutrz track proliferation as I envision a crowded inner city intersection bustling with cars and pedestrians suddenly engulfed in a nuclear blast wave and then imagine a cerebration of being alive in some underground warehouse bunker thing 20 years after the fact I will think of that place. I will keep spitting out the most fucked up lyrics possible to take me away from the mundane and any form of misery or boringness in human existence.
I have my Robot Girl from presence, my Ash from Avalon, my Matilda from Leon I have a microphone and I dance like I own the planet and no one can tell me what I saw was not real.
I think I am a hardcore acid victim. I am pretty sure that I am. That and I am vain off the scale. Because I seem to only like movies that I can just stare at from start to finish.Like it's the various different wallpapers of my life or something. I seem to want every frame to be an absolute work of art. I think these are movies that are for directors or something. As in they were made for the directors. Something that was very personal. Now let me dive right into this by saying that I have really not seen all of Luc Bessons other films. I am a style junkie and an evil bastard so to me The Fifth Element was just a crazy Muppet show with a blue Yoda Bjork thing singing. And La Femme Nikta did not really float my boat at all. I know that Suspect's staff took away Luc Bessons section at the Markam Loaction because he did The Messenger. So I am not even going to go there. I don't know Luc Besson personally and I am going to do a lot of guessing and assuming here. But whatever. When I moved to Toronto I did so because of one reason. I did it because I wanted to be a rapper who rapped about aliens over experimental electronic music. I had no tech experience but I had a lot of guts and street smarts from hanging out with pretty much every black sheep drug damaged chemically imbalanced kid in all of St Catharines. I had freestyled so much it was beyond insane. You see when you have no computer knowledge whatsoever and no experience with any music gear then there is a real mysticism with music. I thought that being an Emcee was impossible. Like a super dream that could never happen. So I would freestyle for like 5 hours a day for months and months. It was unreal. Combine that with the fact that I hung out with probably over 500 messed up Juvenile delinquents in my home town did anywhere from 200 – 500 hits of acid and smoked weed every single day from the age of 15 – 18 minus a week … well I was a pretty fucking weird guy. I had no desire to read or write anything at all. No fucking way. Anytime I wanted to do anything and I mean anything all it would be to practice freestyling. So I had about 100,000 000 thoughts in my head but I would use the frustration to fuel the freestyling. I don't regret at all. Because no at this point when I rap I have to only give 3 percent of my air or wind. It does not even feel like I am doing anything at all to be honest. This is because I screamed lyrics for 10 years in a row by myself in front of a wall. I don't feel bad. I mean now I am an Emcee.. I could have studied in a room for ten years to be a dentist and then just get depressed and blow my head off or something like a lot of dentists do.. I mean I see young people in coffee shops with their faces in their books looking crazy stressed out. Fuck I just yelled to myself that was not so hard. Anyways getting on with it. At that point in time I felt that there was no way in hell I was going to be able to relate to anyone. No fucking way. Here was a guy who took enough drugs to kill an army and got up close and personal with every young lost soul in the entire city of St Catharines and freestyled so much that my fucking brain felt like I had launched it around the fucking sun. My head felt like it was on fire and all I wanted to do was to making fucking music. Anyways I better stop there and try to stay on the point. The point was I felt like my whole body had become just a vessel for the freestyle ability. I needed a safe place to just exist and rest the weapon. Being my brain my skill. My killing ability…something like that. I need a safe place to call home. But I needed more then just a home I needed a bunker for my brain. A place to rest and let the brain be safe. I almost felt like because of what I had did to myself in terms of training myself to freestyle my brain had because a weapon or a separate artist that lived within me. Hey you might think I suck and that's ok I am just saying what I thought. So long story short I felt like I needed to give up on all of humanity and make a place that was just for me. I used movies as a sure fire way to receive emotional support. I knew that I was fully crazy and that no one on earth could handle me at that point. So I found films that I thought would keep me sane. Leon was number one. Fuck talking about Camera work and all that. Luc Besson is a deep sea diver. This film flows like crazy but that's not the point. This movie was made to be watched over and over again I think . I don't think that Luc Besson was making a movie really. I think he was making a home. A place that would keep him safe from the world perhaps. All the other films I like in terms of the anime and the more artsy stuff seem to have every frame as a work of art. I am not making an exception for Leon because I really like the story. No fucking way! Its not that I like the characters a lot and the film hit me really emotional so I am just putting up with the camera shots or whatever. Absolutely fucking not. This film is not anime and not some crazy shit like Bullet Ballet or Avalon but the camera work for this movie was done to be watched over and over again. I think the director knew that he would watch this movie so many times in his lifetime it would be unreal. The first thing we see is a view from a bird's perspective. After that everything flows and moves like someone who is in the middle of a nervous breakdown would just stare at it hoping to cure them or something. Like the movie is therapy. Every frame and move of the camera is perfection. Ok fuck it lets go. I feel that in this movie the character `Leon' is one of the most fucked up people on the planet. I am serious. Listen up you little brat reading this who thinks you are a super weirdo and no one understands you or whatever. Leon lived in some small town way the fuck out of nowhere. His family were criminals and he fell in love with some girl really hard that was from a `respectable family'. He was only 19 years old and the farther of the girl killed her. Leon then went and killed the guy for that. “500 feet with a lens” He then he got on a boat and came to New York city. Now I guess his Dad was living in New York and was working for Tony at the time. Now what I think happened was that Leon's Dad was killed and Tony saw a perfect opportunity. Tony then brain washed Leon. I am a hardcore businessman and I cannot say that I blame him. I mean holy shit …you got a 19-year kid who is the son of a hit man who already has experience with killing people and using a rifle. His Dad just got killed and now he is alone living in New York City. Christ you have the perfect killing machine. Tony kept him illiterate and always training or whatever and told him to stay away from women and god knows what other shit he told him. I am fucking sorry but in terms of that story you simply cannot have a more fucked up human being. You fell in love and the girl was killed by her own father you put a bullet threw the guys head and now you are living in the most heartless hellhole of a city. A place where you can live next door to someone for ten years and still never knows who he or she is. He has his routines and takes care of his plant. Imagine you are forty years old. And all you have ever done is kill people for twenty fucking years. That's it. Just kill people and sit in your apartment. You think you fucking feel weird when you leave the house and have to deal with the outside world? Now in my opinion Matilda is perfect for this movie. I think that Natalie Portman was perfect for the roll. I think the character worked amazing simply because… holy fucking shit. Who on earth would think that Leon was `cool' or look up to him? I think only a twelve-year-old girl who was from the most fucked up family on earth who just watched television her whole life. The fucking really funny part is that I think that it being 1994 at the time made sense as well. I mean kids are on the Internet now. If the movie was made now I mean the 12 year old girl would have been online and been a lot smarter and less delusional probably. Now I think the movie was made for a slightly older girl and I think they removed some stuff from the script. But in my world…. holy shit the casting is perfect. I mean she is freaking twelve and has the worst family on earth and does nothing but watch TV. It was perfectly understandable and believable that she thought Leon was really awesome and cool and looked up to him so much. Now I have heard that Luc Besson was accused of letting the camera lurch and move all over the girls body but what the fuck ever. I don't care what's going on in Luc Bessons head. In my world the casting was perfect and they could not have been anyone else to play that role. So the reason I like Leon so much is that it's a movie that always made me feel really good because it made me feel like it was a constant reminder that there is always hope in life. Because I felt very strange and highly different at the time but when I watched Leon it made me feel like there was always hope no matter what. Because Leon was one hundred times weirder and more fucked up then me. It's actually that simple. And that's the main point. When I was out places I felt highly different and I would be drinking. I would get a horrible feeling in the back of my throat and in the top of my head. I would look around the room and all the voices would bleed together. People talking but not saying anything or people not really saying what they are thinking. Acid that was still in my veins was making the room spin. Nothing anyone could say to me would make sense. They were all lying. Everyone was lying. Everyone not being real was suffocating. Hate building inside me. I always new that these things would happen so I always kept beer in my fridge at home so when I got in from the hellish world of lying flexible bags of water I could drink some more beers alone and let my brain rest. I would always put on Leon. When the beginning Gaumont music started it would hit me like thousands of tiny ice shards of pure love and insanity shooting out of the square box towards my head and stomach. By watching that movie I always knew that there was hope of peace and understanding one day for me. The movie is hope and the film is a home all in itself. Ok now lets clear something up. That is a little fucking girl. I think she works perfectly for the role and I could not imagine in a million years anyone else playing that. But if anyone is sexually attracted to her you are fucking gross. I have heard people say that she is so attractive and cute and beautiful in that. I have heard men and women say that. I am like.. What the fuck? I mean I guess when they have close ups of her face. I mean she has her hair all nice and her make up is well done. Umm I guess yeah she is a cute girl. But HOLY CRAP. That's a little freaking girl man. Now I don't have any clue what Luc Besson thinks or what he was thinking and if he was moving the freaking camera all over her or whatever. In my world everything just makes perfect sense. I know I like anime and I dig anime girls but if you think for a second that my love for the film Leon has anything to do with wanting to nail a fucking twelve-year-old Natalie Portman you are on crack. But then again this is my world. I don't give a fuck what the director was thinking or whatever any other guy thinks. Ok I will give you a perfect example. One day I went to a Tim Horton's that was in a `on the run' Esso station to get a coffee. When I got in there I saw a copy of Maxim magazine and Avril Lavignein was on the cover in what looked like a leather boast-e-a or how ever you say that. I was thinking. What the fuck. Last time I saw a Avril Lavignein video she was a fucking little girl. Hell she still is. I saw no rack no hips or anything. I mean I guess she is cool and good-looking. Maybe if she was not famous and you were some pot head living in Penetanguish and she was your neighbors sister and she came over to smoke a J as she was sitting on the sofa you might be thinking “ Damn I would like to bend her over the kitchen table or something” But lets get real I do not see a lot things on her that are a big fat nature green light for a ramming. I mean yes I like anime girls and those cosplay girls who go the extra mile and some of them are a little young but what the fuck ever man. I think I made the point pretty clear and I think a lot people know what I am talking about. So yeah this in my world and the way I watch Leon and use the film as a great pillar of emotional support. So I don't care if Luc Besson was jacking off like a chimp every night he filmed that thinking about Nataile Portman (just for the record I don't think he was) In my world the movie was just fucking perfect and If anyone is highly sexually attracted to her in that then I think you should see some help and get some chemical castrators or whatever. Ok done with that rant. And that was a few years ok with Lavigenin I do not watch TV so maybe she is ripe for the plowing now who knows. To me this is a film about a guy who has his head trapped in a room. He has a deadly skill and that's all he does and he stays in a room and does his routines over and over again with no interactions with the outside world except for killing people. Someone who has taken their ability at something and let it take him over completely until that's all he is. His body is nothing but a vessel for this deadly trade. He sits alone night after night. Alone with a loneliness that you can feel as hard as concrete. Some intangible place behind your eyes with the depths of all sorrow whatever that means. Chilled and frozen to the core. But someone fell in love with him no matter how weird and alone he was. Twenty years of nothing but killing and sitting alone had taken this mans soul and twisted it and buried it so far away from him that he did not even need to sleep in a bed anymore. That tiny place of humanity and need was so gone that if you can stop for a second and imagine what it would be like if that really was a real person. Can you imagine how far away that human need would be? That kind of loneliness I don't think has ever been show in any other film ever made. In the world of Leon the fact that the place in him was found was unreal. Look at the way Leon looks around as he leaves the building after He slowly puts on his glasses in the hall after Matilda says she thinks she is falling in love with him. Look at the agitation as he walks into the sea of people in the city. I think he was leaving that place of loneliness. That's what was in his apartment. I know that if someone found him that deep and far away. There is hope for anyone who thinks that no one will understand. I don't care who you are and what has happened to you. No one is more alone and fucked up then Leon. No one. But someone found him and fell in love with him. I never need to worry about life and no matter what happens I can always put on that movie.
What I am referring to here is a sort of mindset. Or a little added mental thoughts and background to the actual film before and during it. The first thing to think of is simply life in general. Life is a powerful thing very much. And life does not want to die and life wants to keep going on. If you get sick your nose drains trying to get rid of the illness. If you see a attractive woman you get aroused. That life's way of making sure you make more of its self to keep the species going. You put your hand near an element on a stove and pain rushes to get you to move your appendage away so you not burn yourself. All these things are just common sense. However this is where it gets weird. Have you ever thought of say the entire human race as say one human? Or more like. How do I put this. Imagine all human life as say one Biomass if you will. Picturing the whole human race as `one entity'. I never really thought about that until I watched the film Predator years ago. Now let me clear something up right now. I am not going to spit some physics crap and act like I am a scientist or anything of the sort. I am talking about a deep common sense that just kind of occurred to me when I saw the film. Have you ever seen the movie Magnolia? All the events that they talked about in the beginning actually happened. So without being religious, over superstitions or on lots of pot. Its true that in our existence weird shit happens. You see imagine for a moment that the events or Predator were real. Imagine they really happened. Imagine that a creature came to this planet and hunted humans. Imagine it. NOW call me crazy BUT if that ever happened I cant help but think that somehow the human biomass. The human `one body' if you will would somehow know this. Maybe how you could perhaps feel that there was a rat in your house but you can't see it or hear it maybe. Like if someone in your family is getting hurt somewhere and you maybe get a `funny feeling'. Sort of like the whole human race is connected in a way. I am not like I said a hoodoo weed smoking hippie wanna be scientist like I said but damn... I think there would be some kind of freaky reaction from the whole human presence on this planet to a invader like that. It was insulting us. It was violating us. OK now just like the events outlined in the beginning of Magnolia if we ever did have a creature like the Predator come to this planet do you know what I HONESTY think would happen? I think the human biomass would fight back. Yes I really think it would. I shit you not I am a pretty cold nihilistic guy and I normally think all this means nothing and we are just soon going to be worm food or whatever BUT I know there is some cosmic shit going on to some degree because all the things in the beginning of Magnolia really happened and other things happen all the time that have to mean something is going on. So what do you think the human race would do. They would fight it the BEST it could. You see if you think about it. The team in Predator was an almost private sector outside of the military. They were the `best' All the guys in the team where all highly unique. I would have to say that in the predator world they were all possibly the toughest humans on the planet. But it gets better Dutch was the toughest human ever. You see that's what I think a lot of people don't get about the film predator. There was a bizarre feeling of responsibly and a look in the character Dutch's eyes though the whole film I think. And this theory gets even better. In the early 80's scientists said that Arnold Schwarzenegger was the most genetically perfect human. At least I heard that someone said something like that when he keep wining Mr. universe or whatever. Watch it again and watch the character. Just like how everyone in Donnie Darko who was in the tangent universe knew there was something wrong even if they did not really know it …it was there. I normally never go for that fate crap in real life or in movies. But Predator makes me believe. Dutch was our defense. Dutch was everything we got.
So when I watch Predator I don't just watch it. I imagine that the events really happened. That something came to our watery sphere and hunted us. And I know in my heart and in my gut that if that ever happened that my body. That everyone's body would know it deep down that something was here doing this to us. Even that far way in the jungle we would all know it deep down. I know that somehow someway we would send the best defense we had. We would send the toughest of us all to show this thing human beings. PEOPLE will not take this. Why do you think Dutch had that impossible look in his eyes as he slowly applied the mud to his face in the ending battle scene? Look at the look of absolutely unimaginable responsibility in his eyes. The spellbinding awesome feeling as every last one of the human spirits from across the globe are flying into him one a time as each stroke of the mud goes onto his face. Do you really think such an intense ritual would be happened if he were just fighting for his survival? When he looks up at moon with a sense of ownership. Why?...... because that's our moon and this is our planet! And that creature does not belong here.
When that earth shaking war cry blasts from the core of the characters being that was not a yell or a scream. That was the entire human race inside him screaming
as the smoke clears at the end you see Dutch looking up with his hands on his side. Most people would think he was looking up at the chopper that was coming to rescue him. But I know he was looking up at all of us.
Saying I did it.
The tears in Anna's eyes represented all of us on the planet saying thank you.
( live action )
Putting my insanity aside for a moment I think there is a definite chance that the live action version of Crying Freeman may possibly be one of the biggest freaks of nature in the history of cinema. Even perhaps outside of my head. I think it has some of the best acting you will ever see. The whole cast seemed more `into it' then almost anything I have ever witnessed before. Right after my first viewing I was in such complete shock I could not help but wonder if maybe it was just me projecting my fucked up `anime and music' world onto the film. So I went online and looked for reviews. The first website I came across was a person literally going off in all caps. Ranting something like “THIS IS THE BEST ACTION MOVIE EVER MADE! MARK DACASCOS DOES ALL HIS OWN STUNTS AND ACTS 1000 TIMES BETTER THEN VAN DAMN, SEAGAL AND THE 100 OTHER GUYS BELOW THEM…” and then so on and so forth. I did not read the whole thing. My partial viewing of that web page was just a good quick fix in terms of a third party reassurance that I was not crazy and the film was in fact that amazing. Don't get me wrong even if I did not find any text like that on the internet I would still love the movie but I guess that just gives me a little more fuel and courage to write the following knowing that you will probably find a few other rants about how fucking awesome this film is out there somewhere and I am not the only one.
Crying Freeman I think had one of the smallest distributions runs in history. I know that it was never released in the United States. Hell I think it was only released in Canada, France and Japan. Or maybe it was even just Canada, UK and France. Whatever I'm not sure the point is its fucking obscure. The whole thing was filmed in British Columbia I think on god knows how small of a budget. But I am not one to talk about technical things. I never want to sound like a film critic or something. I know this is PROBABLY not the case but in my fucked up little perfect world I think Crying Freeman had too much love and magic in it for the world to understand. And that's why no one ever bothered trying to mass distribute it or heavily promote it. In my imaginary universe all the parties involved with the film realized that this art was just something that needs to stay inside the hearts of the people involved and the odd person who might truly get it and understand. Probably not the case but whatever I am not a movie reviewer I am a person who raps all day about living inside anime.
When Crying Freeman played by Mark Dacasco was in the back of the car with Emu O'Hara as she was injured and half conscious laying with her head on his lap. There was something about his voice when he pushed the gun away from Koh and beckoned “Please Koh! …Don't” Something about that moment stayed with me and made me feel that I was watching more then just a movie. The scene ended with Emu's haunting voice laced with fear and sorrow whispering with labored breath
“I'm so cold”
Emu O'Hara played by Julie Condra spoke every line in that film in a soft, feminine and beautifully eerie voice. When she spoke it gave me a creepy feeling in my brain that is normally reserved for feelings of guilt about ex girlfriends. A sensitive place that you never tell anyone about. A weird place that you don't like to think about but you know is always in your head. When Julie Condra played Emu O'Hara for some reason every piece of dialogue wrapped around me like a loving but almost unwanted ghost and made me pay attention to the film. It felt like an ex-girlfriend whom I don't speak to anymore be sitting next to me on the couch but I could not see her. It was like that from the very start when she said
“Today is my birthday and for the first time in twenty years….”
Right to the end when she gives us her parting word that for some creepy unreal reason made me feel so good and helped me sleep soundly that night.
When Masaya Kato plays Ryuji Hanada he plays the BEST ANIME BAD GUY I HAVE EVER SEEN! I can't believe that after all the anime I have watched the best anime bad guy turns out to be a real person from a real life movie. Also the best `ruthless, merciless anime style innocent person slaughter' was in this very film as well. My heart is beating heavily in my chest right now because moments like these reinforce my feelings that my anime world can be just as real as the actual `real world'. Masaya Kato made Ryuji Hanada REAL in a way that leads me to believe that he perhaps read the original Manga as a kid or maybe a similar Manga if the original Crying Freeman comics are not in fact that old. Watch the scene as Ryuji's gang slaughters the Chinamen in the Soya factory. Feel that inhuman self-loathing tingling sensation in your spine as you imagine you are a huge ruthless Yakuza mobster boss with a gargantuan demon tattoo on your back. Close your eyes for a minute and let your imagination shoot you across time and space shattering apart reality behind you and transport yourself into the pages of the original Crying Freeman Manga. For Masya Katio is doing the same as he marches into the Soya factory with a camera filming him in slow motion to his back. Look closely at his face and his eyes right after he says the words below and slices that poor old mans ear off.
“Look at me!
I have a message for your protectors.
I am Hanada Ryuji boss of the Hanada Clan.
I declare war on the Dragons.
I want the freeman or I will return to China.”
Look at that sneer and evil smirk on his face as he turns to walk away from his victim as the camera slows down. Crazy enough to truly believe in the power of anime to a point that crosses the line. Because that was no actor and that was not Masaya Kato that was RYUJI THE RAZOR KILLER as we was meant to be when pen first touched paper to bring him to life.
Years ago in my parents semi-finished basement I constructed a fort under the stairwell. It was made for the purpose of the having an ideal place to read my comic books. I was down under there with my two full comic boxes, a desk light, which I had to make a hole in the drywall to feed the cord through to give it power, snack food and a dozen other trinkets, and accessories I deemed necessary to enhance my comic reading pleasure. I took two huge nineteen seventies rugs and rolled them up to make an `armchair like giant pillow mechanism' for me to do this sort of sit~lounge~lean thing. I could go on describing that room for hours. The surreal mystical worlds manifested in me from the contents of these comics were intense. At times it even caused what was perhaps a mild form of vertigo. I will never forget those feelings. I drifted so far away from reality under those stairs that I think another dimension was created deep behind my eyes. Never has anything I watched on a screen moved me to my core and forced me to travel back within myself and remember that place under those stairs. That was until I saw Byron Mann play Koh in Crying Freeman . He MUST also have had a place he read comics as a kid. He must have had a spot just like the one I had where images and other worlds floated off the pages and created a whole new dimension behind his eyes. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe I am crazy …but I swear I saw that place in his eyes when he came out of the darkness and said…
“ The Dragon has taken you. Your mind your body.
His image marks you freeman.
It is the image of your soul. The longing for freedom
There is no freedom on earth. True freedom is in the spirit, in the skies where the dragon soars.
Let the dream of soaring through the skies sustain you.
I am Koh. Your guide.
You serve the sons of the Dragons the guardians of the Chinese people
Those who trespass against our race must die.
You will obey us.
For we own you now.
You were born a killer. It is a power that belongs to you.
I will shape it I will make you stronger I will make you faster I will make you deadly. Our enemies will feel The Dragon's claws pierce their dead hearts.
You are reborn.
( WARNING.. I HAVE NOT PROOF READ THIS OR DONE ANY EDITING AT ALL. IT ONE BIG LONG HYPO-MANIC RANT very hard to read probably.. I have not even read it yet )
Ok lets get something straight right now. When something is hard to understand it's hard to understand. Or when something is fucked it's just fucked and that's it. There is nothing worse then someone who pretends to be enlightened or understand something that was just fucking impossible to understand. I once read a review for the film Primer and the guy who wrote it was obviously a very intelligent guy and what he said was. “ I am not afraid to say when something was impossible to comprehend.” He also said that when he watched the film in the theater when it was over a lot of people got up out of their seats with this look of ‘ enlightenment' like they `got it' and understood. He then said “Humans are so funny” So look at that. A guy who is cocky enough to say things like ‘Humans are so funny' is saying that no way in fuck could any one on earth basically understand what the fuck was going on in Primer . It sounded like at the end of the movie the guy actually wanted to get up out of his seat and yell at all the guys who got up with their girlfriends next to them with that smug look of “ Hmmmm wow I understand advanced quantum mechanics but its sad most people don't” The reviewer who wrote that was probably the smartest guy in the theater and he was the one with a hilarious grimace on his face who can admit that whole thing was just fucked up beyond belief and no one could possibly get that. If you watch David Lynch's Mulholland Dr . and then after read exactly what happened online somewhere and then you watch it again you can go. “Holy fuck that guy is brilliant wow what a crazy movie” But COME ON who the fuck understood that in the first viewing give me a fucking break. Ok so that's my first point. My second point is a little weird and its something I will just have to get through quickly I guess. This might sound a little over the top. But have you ever thought about giving up on the whole human race? Sound ridiculous …but hear me out. Imagine that everyone in the whole world disappeared and it was just you. Like the movie The Omega Man only in real life and you're not Charlton Heston because that would be freakin awful. What would you do? How would you keep from going crazy? Well I would tell you what I would do. The first thing I would do its get music. I would go break into a mall and get a stereo and amass a giant music collection and set up a dance floor. Blasting music and dancing would keep probably keep me sane and even maybe happy for probably a long time. Don't get me wrong if I was the only person alive in the world then I might technically go completely insane but the music would sure as hell help. This is hoping and assuming I have some form of power and electricity but now I am going to far and I will try and pull back to the point. I would also watch MOVIES and FLIMS. Yes think about it. Instead of talking to a freaking volleyball like Tom Hanks did in Cast Away imagine you were in that same kind of isolated position only instead of being on a deserted island instead the situation was that the whole world got wiped out except you and now you are the only one left. But at the same time nothing was destroyed that was material so you had all the media in the world and full access to it. All right moving along. I guess what I am trying to say is that I think there are some directors out there how are trying to express the inexpressible. I think these are the films that would give your brain and soul say artificial company, health and love if they were all you had in the world to keep you sane. This would be an over the top approach to watching films but I actually think it's a pretty good one. So after all that I want to say this. There is a great chance that if you watch Bullet Ballet you would be like “ What the fuck this makes no sense I don't know what the fuck is going on” Also if you watched Bullet Ballet with one of your buddies next to you or with a group of friends or a girlfriend you might even just laugh at it. There are parts where you would just crack up and be like “ This is fucking retarded look at that guy I mean why is he hitting himself in the head with the gun. I mean yes guns are bad but stop hurting yourself for fuck sakes” So I am not going to bullshit you and say that I got everything in this fucking movie and that it all made sense to me right off the bat. What I am going to say is that this MOVIE IS FUCKING CRAZY. There is something bizarre going on in it from start to finish that I don't think I ever even really want to fully understand. If you are ever whacked out of your mind on drugs and booze high as fuck with heart palpations and you are stumbling out of the party with a new found decision that you hate the human race then go watch this movie by yourself buy a candle flame and do more drugs. This might be a ridiculous review but let me get into it. First of all every goddamn frame is this movie is gorgeous and a work of fucking art. Seriously you could take every frame and hang it on a art galley wall anywhere and I am sure that people would not bat an eye and just take it as brilliant photography. So in a sense this is real photography and real art. `moving pictures'. I guess what I am saying is if you are drug damaged as all hell or fucked out of your tree you could just stare at this whole film and it would be amazing and not ever really give a fuck what's going on. Right from the start this film gave me chills when we first hear the woman's voice “ Dumm dunnn dUnnnn” This Goda guy wife commits suicide. He is so fucked up over this its unreal. Somehow is girlfriend was involved with a gang of thugs in some way. Goda looks for them and get messed up with this gang. A young woman who has the smokiest look you have ever see forms a serious connection with Goda. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that both of them are suicidal deep down or something. Goda acts through the whole film like his flesh is some kind of prison. Like he has so much to say and feel that he can't even do it in human form. He gets obsessed with the idea of a gun. Self-destruction. There is some young punk in the group who has some kind of identity crisis that involves being a businessman vs. being a street thug. Goda starts trying to buy a gun from criminals on the street. This is awkward for him because he is so intelligent and artsy and he has to try and work with asshole criminals on the street who fuck him over. Goda starts building a gun with parts over the Internet while doing this crazy video editing of shit blowing up. Goda is building this gun and the bullets in the dead of this night with this unreal insanity going on in his fucking head, as there is shit exploding in his mind. The thugs are in some club doing heroin and Goda pulls the hot chick into a back alley and puts his homemade gun to her and then the chick pulls off her coat and shoves the gun to her own face in a scene that is probably one of the most fucking hardcore things I have ever seen in my life. And then right after that the same chick does this dance with death game where she leans back on a subway ramp and that is probably the second most hardcore thing I have ever seen which is pretty heavy because it's all happening in the same film in under fifteen minutes. The shit just keeps happening and happening if you are alone and you are really trying to follow it your head will just start to hurt but in a good way like maybe the director just wanted your head to hurt and your head is not hurting because you don't understand the film but because your head hurts because life hurts. Then there is this part where Goda starts chasing the punk and this music starts playing and the hot girl is in this apartment that is fancy and has lots of expensive media oriented things and fancy furniture that I am sure she is not use to because she is a street punk. She starts playing around with everything like she is a little animal. Like they are all toys and she is totally out of place. Like you would maybe act around material possessions if you were the only person left on earth. She was making these cartoon like sound effect noises as he played with TV converters and things like that. The whole thing was doing something really fucked up to me. When all this was happening I KNEW something fucked was going on. I knew this movie TOOK FOREVER to make and god knows how much other interesting shit about this movie was there. As it turns out of course I was right. I saw an interview and it took the guy ten years to make this thing I think and lots of other deep fucked up aspects about the movie are said and explained. This review I just did was kind of stupid but I just wanted to give it to you raw and super real. If you want much better reviews by people who are either A much more intelligent then me or B they did a lot of work and research to make themselves not sound stupid when they talked about how the film made them feel then you can check these links.
I guess bottom line if you are every in a really fucked up mood, highly emotional high out of your tree I would watch Bullet Ballet.
True story I once had a girl friend over and I put Bullet Ballet on one afternoon. I was lying behind her and I feel asleep during the film. I only woke up once and it was to the sound of her crying. In fact I think it's that incident that gave me the courage to write this rant. I was lying on my couch and I woke to the sound of her tears. The messed up part was I did not ask her why she was crying. I did not even get up so she might have not even known I was awake or even heard her tears. I did not do anythign or say anythign because I knew that I could not ask her why she was crying. How could I?
Ok it breaks down like this. You see this review is sort of pretty important. For a few reasons. First of all I have to say this. This is how I watch Dobermann. I am going to do some guessing and hoping and perhaps dreaming here. And I need this film for a lot of reasons in my life. I do not care if what I think is true or not. If you know who I am and you see me in public do not tell me if I am wrong or right about any aspect of what I am about to say. Or do not e-mail me and be like “Ok you are wrong about this or that’s blah blah” Just let me live in my dream world of Dobermann ok. All right here is goes. Ahem …ok … some guys just think they are better. Some guys well we just think we are better then everyone else. Ok ok… I know what you are saying.. you are probably thinking. Well every guy thinks that. Well you are kinda right. It’s like Seinfeld said. “Every guy thinks he is a super hero in his own comic book” Very true indeed. But let’s get hardcore now. I am going to tell you a secret. I got hit by a wave of thought like a ton of bricks when was around fifteen that shook the earth and rocked me to my core. I think it happened because I watched my Dad get up and go to work everyday and he never looked happy and he would run for two hours a day after he got home. He always had a 120, 000 car in the garage at all times. I think `showing off’ what he had was the most important part of the equation of all this hard work. Ok ok this is another thread of thought and this will just keep going so fuck it. I think it works like this. One of the million reasons I feel in love with hip-hop was because of the whole idea of just SAYING you are better then someone. If the main equation to working so damn hard was so that you can have a big house and a expensive car to SHOW OFF well to me is that not psychological? And if it is psychological then why not just TELL the neighbor you are better then him. How about you just `state’ that “ Fuck you I am way smarter then you and much better and your wife probably wants to fuck me and my windshield costs more then your wardrobe” This lead to other thought explosions. Like the whole concept that maybe the reason why people work so hard at things in an institutional based system is really for a far more exterior reason. Meaning they only really care about what people think about them. They are not really interested in the whole aspect of being a human being. This is probably just me being an asshole but whatever we will get to that later as well. Ok so about this wave of explosion realizing. I think what I realized when I was fifteen and a half was this. It hit me so hard it was unreal. I realized that I am male. And that being male kinda sucks. The reason it sucked is because you want to be better then every other male and this will go on until you are dead. Maybe on your death bed you suddenly realize that you don’t have to be better anymore and… ok I don’t know where I am going to go with that so lets cut that off as well. Ok so I realized that the whole world is run by really smart white guys who are evil as fuck who want there cocks to like level the planet. So here I was about to embark on some journey that would lead me through a giant school system that would put me in some huge building somewhere where I learn how to make lots of money so that I could try and have a big house and a great car just so I could feel better then people. I could tell that no teachers would help me with the things I really wanted to know about. Maybe I am jerk but I just did not see that really happening. Want I needed was a direction a direct direction as a pursuit of happiness that I really thought might lead to happiness. I was pretty damn sure. Beyond a reasonable doubt that staying in a school system would never lead to that. Even at much higher levels. When I first starting doing LSD and I was listening to Das-Efx. Something happened to me. When I was that fucking high I really felt like I was sitting in an ocean of bass and that the words were flying over my head one at a time. I could actually see the images. I realized that this was really making me happy. So I decided to do nothing but work on being an Emcee / Rapper. Now this was a long time ago. No one had computers back then at all. But I just starting practicing freestyling and listening and collecting hip-hop. The way I looked at it was like this. If I really loved this music and I wanted to make my own kind of version of it. No matter WHAT as long as that was all I did and I kept going and just did that I would one day truly be happy. And that was all that mattered. Mind you I put some girlfriends’ through hell because of this. No mater what I knew that if this was all I ever did that was the best direction. It was in my best interest to not even entertain the idea of doing anything else. This put some girls friends though absolute hell. Because well I was just kinda weird because of this. I mean think about it. Here is a guy who saw a bizarre ocean of bass in his head and then decided to never do anything else but try and be the worlds first internal universe alien electrical rap god. I mean this was St Catharines in the early 90’s That was just a crazy idea. Shawna Ried, Lisa Vanmoorsel if you are reading this sorry about that. Ok so back to the point. I just KNEW to do nothing but rap. Never ever stop. I knew that one day would be happy to a level that maybe no other human has ever reached because I will have the greatest possessions on earth and they would be in my head and no one would ever be able to take that away from me. I will tell you another secret. I never really got a computer or gear for a long time on purpose. This was because I had fallen into the habit of freestyling for up to 5 – 7 hours a day. I knew that was insane and bizarre and I knew that if I kept doing this it would become like breathing. I knew that the production of raps would one day get to a point that it would be the same as you inhaling and exhaling as you read this. You do not think about it you just do it. And I knew that once I got a mic and the equipment I I needed that there was no way that I would do that anymore. And HOLY SHIT was I right. I do not even do much of a practice read when I write lyrics. I just DON’T now that I got all the gear I need. I never do that practice shit at all anymore. Now that I have the gear I need practicing like that seems insane and a huge waste of air. Now let’s get back on track. You see I knew there was no escaping my gender. I knew I would always in a way want to be better then the next guy. Maybe I am little wrong and I fit into some awful demographic of macho fucks and there are lots of nice guys and I am just fucked in the head or whatever. But I decided that instead of going though all the bullshit of getting higher education so that I could have a bunch of shit to show off. I would rather just say I was better then everyone and actually in a way know that I am right. Well that and maybe have a special deadly skill of some kind. Blah blah. OK I need to shorten this. One of the results of 5 hours of freestyling for ten years was that I have a `feeling’ in me all the time. I will try and describe it. It feels like there are three little tornados in me. One isin my head .. one is in my heart and there other in my lower stomach. I am not sure why. I think it’s because I get the words from my head… the air from my stomach and I guess I put a lot of heart into the rapping. This is a part of me all the time and there is nothing I can do about it. This gets us a little more on track. You see there is a difference between just thinking you are better then people and actually being better. But using the word `better’ is maybe not that smart because that just makes me sound like a prick loser maybe. Think about it like this. Some guys just have a problem. There is something in us that we just can’t describe. It keeps us up a night and we can’t sleep. We look at our own reflections in store windows to much. When we sit on a bus with our headphones on wearing a baseball hat we glance over and gaze at our own reflections with an evil sneer. Maybe it was the drugs we did combined with our good taste in music and a hatred for society. I guess I always knew that I would want to be better. But I knew that was wrong and it would just go nowhere. So I picked one thing that I loved and I never stopped working away at it no matter what. I know that if I kept going that I would win. ….whatever that means. I guess the stupid man war of who is happier or who has more. But I knew that it was all bullshit. I knew that material possessions would mean nothing. That credentials would mean nothing. That certificates… anything mundane would mean nothing. I knew that something truly from within was the only way to go and the only thing to do. I would let the foolish stick figures run around in confusion on this watery sphere run by the evil white men but I would plug away and plug away at building my empire from within. The more I worked at it the more these three tornados spun inside me. Faster and harder. I knew that every person reads and writes . So fucking what. I knew that I had to do something new and completely original. Something that no human has done before. I decided to sacrifice everything and just work on that. I knew that such complete unheard of focus would have great rewards. I guess it’s all a matter of just human emotion. No mater what I can just bust out rhymes everyday like its nothing. This is my breathing. Now let’s face it. None of this is normal. And this is why I am one of them. I am one of those guys. I know a few people like this are reading this right now. Maybe you are a guy who owns a weird comic book slash art book shop and for some reason you just think everyone on the planet is stupid except for you and that gives you this look on your face all the time that’s kind of like the look that James Spader usually has in his films. Maybe you are like that guy Leon who owns that comic store Hairy Tarantula. You never see him because he is back there in his apartment somewhere sulking and brooding around. For some reason we just think that the world is blind to what is really going on. Or we are just more convinced that we know something and that no one sees what we see. We hate the sunlight. We give people horrible looks for no reason. We just want to get back to our sofas and in front of a movie we like or a comic book we like and do our best to shut out that rest of the planet.
Well you know what I think. I think …….Check this out. Ok I looked briefly a while ago at the other films that Jan Kounen has done. They all looked really artsy. Like really artsy. Like fucking flowers and shit. Like I don’t know artsy. Virgins and waterfalls and shit. They all looked nothing like Dobermann. Which got me thinking that maybe this guy is a real toructed bastard. A guy who really gets life in a lot of ways. Like a guy who sees it. Ya know. SO when you are THAT fucked up. To really see what’s going on. To be one of the comic book guys or the looking at your own reflection in the mirror guys. Well that’s just some deep shit. Like you just don’t fucking make actions films when you are like that. You just DON”T whwn you are blessed or cursed to see this much. You make fucked up artsy shit no one has ever heard about and older chicks watch it who go to Yoga and pottery classed and read good books and shit. But …… I heard that Dobermann was a French comic book. And I think it was one of the GOOD ones. You know the weird ones that are sick as fuck. Like our version of `Warlock 5’ remember that. Like a really fucking cool dirty little comic book about some bad guys. I think that for whatever reason that Jan Kounen one day picked up this book. He was in some little comic shop in France and there was a pissed off guy working there. And he decided that he would do it. The pages came to live for him enough to make the characters real. And not in the way we over here in shitty North America are fucking up all our comic books. HE would do it with LOVE. And I mean LOVE. Love for all us pissed off fuckers who think we are better. When All I ever did was freestyle for 6 hours a day for ten years do you think that’s fucking normal. Do you think that’s fucking ok? No that is fucked beyond belief and you need something bizarre to do this. I would always do my best to look for other `art’ on this planet that I though came from a mind frame that was as sick as mine. As crazy as mine. If it was not for music and FILMS that for whatever reason MADE me think that there was a person as crazy and egotistical as me I would have gone truly crazy a long time ago. I don’t give a fuck if I am projecting too much on this film and that’s why I never want to hear anymore about it. I just want to keep it as my dream. In my dream Jan Kounen is a LOT like me. He is a guy who has the sickest brain ever. However I guess most of the time he deals with deeper issues. However one day he picked up a comic book called Dobermann and he decided to bring it to life. Maybe he glanced over at the pissed up brooding sulking comic store owner and said to himself “I will make the one film that will not fuck it up” Don’t worry I will make sure this will be the one.
Get high as fuck by yourself and put Dobermann on. When the droning intro music comes on and the cast names start appearing let your pupils dilate and your eyes roll back into your head and lean slightly to the left.
I have no words for all this camera work. Almost too good to be true. Almost feel like it can’t be real.
At the ending scene. Look hard and carefully at the faces of the three characters in the back seat. Look at the serious frown of the priest though is circular spectacles. Look at the young punk looking down at his lap with disgust for everything. Look at the teeth cutting snarl of the guy with the shades. Those are not actors. Those are three people who wanted to make the love on the ink of the pages real for once. The love of violence……. the love of anger. Look at the attention to detail as the atmosphere goes darker and the slow motion kicks in as Dobermann brushes his hand across his girls face. Look at the angry lower open mouth jaw thing and the hand on the steering wheel. Now as you watch the car weave down the snake twisted street imagine you are really there and all those events really happened. And then with every new level that the music builds lets the blood in your body move higher and higher up to your brain. Then remember to stay full of hope anger and love in your life because life is a struggle and struggle is constant. That is what you forgot for but are then suddenly reminded of when the bull eye from the helicopter suddenly appears out of nowhere.
After the closing music starts and the credits have only been rolling for about 15 seconds let your head start vibrating and shaking like a pant shaker machine from a hardware store. Grab your TV set at both ends tear it out of the wall and throw it out your window.
BLOOD THE LAST VAMPIRE
Ok the world is stupid as hell. Want to know why? Because everyone is running around like crazy trying to `get’ and `do’ all this shit and some of the most amazing things in the world are right under your nose. Seriously. How many guys work so hard to get shit to impress women and all these stupid things. Everyone is bitching and complaining about everything and some of the most amazing experiences you could ever have are right there. Actually you know what? This is a stupid rant this does not apply to everybody. Ok ANYONE who says that blood the last vampire was weird because it was too short and there was no character development and there were so many questions that you are left with after watching it. ANYONE who says that’s … does not …GET IT……… Because I shit you not blood the last vampire is the GREATEST anime ever made to watch HAMMERED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I mean HAMMERED ……………..It is not even remotely funny how smashed out of your fucking mind you can be and watch Blood the Last Vampire. You see getting back to my bizarre business plan that lasted 10 years. Ok I was not stupid. I knew it was just a simple matter of math. I knew that if I freestyled for 5 hours a day and look for CD’s that had the sounds I wanted my raps to go with that one day there would be an insane explosion and it would work. But here is the deal. You see I needed to ….oh never mind. Who cares about me. Just check this out. First of all you have to be kind a geek but kinda cool to get this. You have to be a guy who read comics like until you were like 15 or 16 and then girls started jumping on you so you were like screw this. But you remember what it was like. You have to be a guy who has good friends and you fuck women a lot and you dig Michael Turners girls. If you are one of this guys … LISTEN …. Do this one Friday or Saturday night. Ok even though your friends have invited you out some places or whatever. Just lie and say that you got some shit you have to do. Go to the beer store and get like a 12 pack of Black Ice. Yes I know it’s gross but it has to be raunchy beer. Ok now do not put blood the last vampire on YET. First sit on the sofa by yourself and stare off at the wall and drinking like 5 of those things and while you are doing that think about all the girls that you ever wanted to fuck that were in your comic books. But do not get too excited about it because Sia is not really like those girls. Just get yourself in the mind set … ok now once you have drank 5 of those things put in the DVD.. But don’t push play movie yet. Make sure all the lights are out and sink down into the sofa nice and deep. Ok now slowly twist the cap off another black ice. Now push play. Ok now when the phone rings it needs to have kind of startled you sort off. If it did not then you are not drunk enough. Your eyes should have kinda like opened in a bit of a surprise….. Now your TRASHED but this is going to work….Ok now stare at Sia all smashed griping the bottle of beer with your eyes kinda of moving back and forth in like a drunken stagger only you are sitting on your couch. With a real evil sneer like the way a lion would stare at Elk grazing in a field. You have a girlfriend right now and you have had lots of girlfriends and MAN can they ever fucking bitch and complain … but ( The sergeants voice from aliens ) YoU got nothing to worry about right now because this is one sexy little pissed off vampire killing hoe that’s gonna entertain the shit out of you for the next 45 min……AND SHE HAD BEAUTIFUL EYES EH????? Shit ….Ok now when those light slam out Sia jumps up with such heartless focus precision that if you are one of those techy kinda guys who loves John Woo and Robocop and snipers you get some excited you kinda jerk back and then thrust forward and make like gun pointing like thing and you go…. “ YEAH FUCKING WASTE THAT DUDE >>>>>FUCKING STRAIGHT UP”….
The rest of the movie is perfect …. Everyone talks nice and SLOW ….. there is nothing complicated just this hot little fine piece of vampire ass kicking mean talking blue eyed pissed off killing machine……….
And this is were it gets GREAT ….. if you are SMART enough to `GET IT’ you can TELL that that David guy is FUCKING HER!!!! …………I AM SERIOUS AS HELL.. .listen to the way they talk to each other…. DUDE!!!!! That guys is PIPEING HER!!!!!!!! Listen to me I have watched every single anime on the planet …. TRUST ME…… This anime was made to be watched DRUNK and that GUY DAVID IS FUCKING HER!!!!!!!!! You know how When David Lynch made the movie Mullohan Drive he gave the audience a huge hit that is was a dream but having Billy Ray Cyrus is bed with the guys wife and then he went and dumped her jewelry into a bucket of paint or whatever? That was his way of telling the audience that the whole thing was a dream? Well Blood the Last vampire was so short and there was no character development like so many people complaining about. THAT’S THE HINT … there can’t be anymore otherwise you you would see that guy bending her over a kitchen table. And it gets better … you just KNOW that sia is probably MORBID as hell in the sack … I mean she is pissed off all the time and she despite the fact she has got a nice body she is like 170 or something. You can just picture David just giving it to her on a nice big bed with Satin sheets at like 4 am and out of nowhere she goes “ Hit me with the lamp” and David goes “ WHAT ????” and she says “ You heard me !!! Hit we with the LAMP” …………..but anyways LISTEN TO ME GUYS !!! I HAVE NEVER BEEN WRONG ABOUT ANYTHING .. I can just look at a person and I can tell how many guys there mom has fucked. TRSUT ME …. BLOOD THE LAST VAMPIRE was made to be watched HAMMERED out of your mind and that guy DAVID is SLAMMING HER!!!! And it gets better they are in LOVE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and you are TELLL !!!!!!!!!!!!!
When Sia is trapped in the barn army car park thing .. and she yells “ DAVIDDDDD OPEN THE DOOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.............
So yeah so end of the story this anime is like a industry secret kinda I think and in a way I am sort of letting the cat out of the bag I guess. I having watched so many movies it’s just crazy and this is a hardcore cool secret. I know it is……. So yeah man …. For real ….. get trashed and watch this shit …. Like really trashed …. Just scowl at the screen and curl your lip and mutter… “ yeah …fukin kil that thing ya fuking hot vampire hoe”